Back to School

So, yesterday we went back to school. It was almost harder than leaving Jack at home in April. Probably because I now have the entire school year in front of me rather than just two months. It's also difficult now because, now that Jack has a regular schedule and goes to bed at 8 rather than 10 or so, we only get four hours with him rather than the usual twelve. And that's on a day when we can get home at 4.

I also don't get to see him in the morning, which is my favorite part of the day. I love walking into his room, having him smile his first big grin of the day at me, and knowing that we have the whole day together. Now, Carmen gets to see that on a regular basis. However, the past two days that I have been at school, it is almost like he knows it. Yesterday, I left around 7 because we had a later start due to Institute Day. He happened to wake up just before I left just so he could say goodbye. This morning, he uncharacteristically woke up at 5:30 crying. After letting him try to cry it out for awhile, I finally picked him up around 6:15. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped crying and just snuggled in. Though I wanted him to get good sleep, I felt so happy to get the chance to hold him and hug him goodbye for the day.

When we have gotten home the past two days, he has greeted us with a lot of excitement and big grins. Today, he was so happy to see us and, though he was super tired from his rather awkward sleeping day, he fought sleep for hours because he wanted to play with us. I put him down for a nap but he cried until I picked him up. He just wanted to be with us. Eventually, he fell asleep in my arms but I didn't put him down after that. I just wanted to hold him and snuggle.

Afterwards, we played on the bed (one of his favorite thing to do because he is not afraid to flop around and fall over) and laughed and snuggled. It is amazing how much he learns and explores each day. I think he will walk before he crawls-he is so good at taking steps and hasn't quite figured the mechanics of crawling yet! He is close to pulling himself up to standing and can stand, holding on to you for a little while. He also is searching for hugs more, which I, of course, never mind!

I find that now I hate bedtime more than I did when I was a little kid myself. I dread the 7 o'clock hour, when I know that I have only an hour left. I keep hoping, like when I was a kid, that the story we are reading will last just a bit longer. And I get a little choked up each night when I give him the last (of many) goodnight kisses and set him down in his crib.

Jack has really helped me put things into perspective. I have been much more relaxed about the start of school than usual with regards to the work part. I have promised myself (and Jack)that from the time I get home to the time Jack goes to bed is the time that is reserved just for us. No grading, no planning. There will always be another day to plan but I cannot get back the minutes I lose with my boy. And I know that no matter how much time I have with him, it will never be enough. But I have promised that those four hours will be the best hours of both of our days.

There are many things that are important to me in my life but nothing in this world is as important as Jack. I never understood it before I became a mom-how powerful this experience and love could be. He is simply the light of my life. I can't believe he is mine and I can't believe how lucky I am to have this wonderful, perfect, sweet boy in my life. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I know that I have been given this most extraordinary gift--I get to be his Mommy. And I cannot screw it up. And I promise to never take this gift for granted.