The Potty Chronicles

I started thinking about potty training Jack when he was 18 months old. I figured, this kid's really smart and he's really verbal, he's going to get it. I thought the books that said, "Just wait until he/she is ready," or "Every child is pre-programmed with the date they will decide to use the potty.. ." were just a load of garbage (especially that last one). I thought, "hey, I can make him decide he's ready by making him sit in his own pee for a little bit." Yeah, that'll show him.

18 months was pretty much a joke. I bought a little potty and periodically tried it. I'd sit him down on it, bring books to him to help make him feel comfortable about going, and make pee noises to encourage the flow. Instead, I got a little boy who would laugh at the pee noises (and I learned that man's need to laugh at bodily function humor starts early) and sit happily reading books until I got tired of it and pulled him off the potty. I got him naked and tried to encourage it. He ran around the corner and peed on the hardwood floor. At least he was considerate. The kid was completely clueless about the concept so I decided to shelve the idea for awhile.

I made it my summer goal to get the kid potty trained. More books and pee-pee noises. Giggling. Nothing.

When he hit about 2 1/2 and he headed to preschool, I renewed my resolve to get him trained, especially since I felt horrible making the preschool teacher change his diapers, even though the school said it was fine. He is the youngest in class and was the only one not yet housebroken. I thought, okay, we're going to put him in underwear. If he pees, maybe he won't like the feeling of the wetness stuck to his body. I was right. He didn't like it. He'd pee his pants, then stand there wide legged, as though he had just gotten off of a horse, whimpering and asking me, "You wanna change this?" I would remind him that he needed to tell me BEFORE he peed and not after. So he practiced this repeating, "You gotta TELL me. You gotta tell me before. You don't go pee-pee in your pants." I thought we were on the right track untill he peed himself again, stood there soaking and informed me, "I peed. You gotta tell me. You gotta tell me before. You don't go pee-pee in your pants." Thanks, Jack. Very helpful.

This went on for awhile and reached it's climax around November. I got home from work and Carmen informed me that Jack was in underwear. I was going to take the kids out to Target so I knew I would put him in a diaper but thought I had a chance to get changed first myself. He and Dani played upstairs while I got dressed and Jack enjoyed playing peek-a-boo with Dani by hiding in the closet and closing the door. I thought things were going well until I hear a muffled voice from beyond the closed closet door, "I peed." I didn't want to make him afraid of having accidents, but it was fairly hard to contain my frustration while I cleaned pee out of the closet. I again reminded him to use the potty and he went on to tell everyone, "You DON'T pee in the closet!"

I chucked the portable potty in favor of an actual kids' seat built into a real adult toilet seat. I went to Home Depot and bought one but it was used (gross). I went to Menards and though the guy who worked there assured me that it would fit, it didn't fit. I went to return both seats and tried to get a replacement at Home Depot. My neighborhood store was out but the one the next town over had 6 in stock. I was certain that this seat was the answer and that he had to have it immediately, even though it was 9 pm, he was already in bed and we wouldn't be able to install it that evening. On the way to the Home Depot, I got a speeding ticket. In a (highly quesitonable) construction zone. Which was a load of crap, which my son was not doing on the potty, but it still cost me $656. Yes, you ARE reading that right. $656. So I now own the world's most expensive toilet seat for a kid that won't even sit on it.

At this point, I started having visions of hoisting up a thirty-year old Jack and changing his diaper on my dining room table that had not been a dining room table in 30 years. I vowed to make sure that I moved in with Jack when I got too old to take care of myself and that I would make sure that I would need Depends.

I moved the potty goal back and swore that Winter break would be the deadline. Nonny and Poppy came to town and Nonny tried her hardest. She acted like an idiot trying to make him laugh, she promised him stuff, she threw Cheerios in the bowl to try to give him something fun to aim at. The result? A kid who would whimper every time and refuse to go, but who would tell everyone that he "peed on the Cheerios". This included my father who was coming down to breakfast and did not know the context of the conversation. He opted for the Chex that morning. And Jack still repeated his mantra, "You gotta tell Mommy. I'm gonna go on the potty." I snapped back, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard this before."

Last week, while at Burger King after school with his best friend Henry, he pooped. Carmen was taking him to the bathroom and Henry, who is potty trained, had to go too. Henry tried to encourage Jack and informed him that it wasn't scary. I wasn't too crazy about Henry because Jack told me that Henry (and not Mommy) was his best friend. This past weekend I was home alone with the kids while Paul was at a bowling tournament. I was intending on taking the kids to get hair cuts and then to Monkey Joe's. In the morning, Jack mentioned wearing underwear but we were going to be leaving and it wasn't an option. As I was prepping the loathsome diaper bag yet again, I peeked into the playroom where Jack and Dani were playing. I caught Jack's eye and he informed me, "I'm pooping." (as in right now) "Okay, sounds good, " I told him, actually really happy that he was doing it before we left the house. He then told me, "I'm gonna finish pooping," then turned away from me and did his thing.

After a fun day, the kids went down for a nap. When he woke up, I asked him if he would like to wear underwear and he seemed more excited than usual to put on underwear. I kept asking him if he had to go. Finally, after dinner, he seemed ready. He pulled down the $656 toilet seat and his pants, jumped up on the seat and just peed. No whining, no coaxing, no deals. Just peeing.

We went insane! Screaming, whooping, hollering, fistbumps, phone calls to Nonny and reward M&Ms marked the occassion. He was so unbelieveably proud of himself. I told him that I was going to buy him special CARS underwear since he was such a big boy. Before bed, he said he wanted to go again. More cheers followed by more M&Ms. As I tucked him in, his last question before I left his room was, "Are you gonna buy new underwear for me?" I felt the corner had been turned. And I felt a LOT warmer towards Henry, even though he did steal Jack away.

On Sunday, we didn't wear diapers on the way to Grandma's. He had one accident but otherwise was trained, pee-wise. But by the evening, still no #2. Before his bath, I heard him say, "I'm not gonna wear underwear." I thought this was weird so I put him on the potty. I knew he had to go but he wouldn't. He whined and said he wanted to get off the $656 potty. He changed the subject by playing with my watch. I made a million promises if he would just poop. I told him he could wear my watch. I told him that if he thought peeing was fun, to just wait until he tried pooping. I promised him 10 M&Ms. He seemed to like these ideas. "Ok!" he said. Thirty seconds later he informed me, "I'm not gonna have M&Ms."

It was not to be last night. Or today. Carmen said he was a champ with the peeing, but held back on the other. When I got him up from his nap today, I had a talk with him:

Me: Jack, did you go pee-pee on the potty today?
Jack: Yes!
Me: Did you go poo-poo?
Jack: No.
Me: Are you a little afraid to go poo-poo on the potty.
Jack (looking away, embarrassed): Yeah.

So we are 50% there. Granted it's the most disgusting 50% that is left. But we're close. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I am now fairly certain I will not have go to college with Jack so I can change his diapers. The jury is still out on my Depends promise. We'll see how long this last part takes him.